Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
