Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
