"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
