I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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