I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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