my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
