party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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