Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
