The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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