this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
