DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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