This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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