Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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