dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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