So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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