I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on