My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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