A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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