This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
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