I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
