I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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