I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
