I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
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You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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