I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
