My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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