If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
