I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
