I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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