I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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