we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
