just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
there was a trapeze. enough said
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
