Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I wear drunk well.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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