Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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