I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
