My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
