onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
