he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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