I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
