My first STD was from a foam party
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
