Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
