Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
