I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
