Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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