I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
