He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
