I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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