we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
