God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
