When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
