You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Pants are for mortals
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
