i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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