the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i will never coherently bang her
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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