I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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