so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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