You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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