Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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