What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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