sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Everyone says I win the strip club
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
