You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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