mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
